The Many Trials of Hitsugaya taichou
by butterfly of kaos
Summary: When Hitsugaya goes undercover in a primary school in the real world, he is forced to mingle with eleven year olds, endure the teacher from Hell and worse. Can his worst nightmare turn into the best time of his life?
1. A Question of Height

**Notes:** Don't worry, I don't think this is going to be angsty, it gets funnier in the second chapter, just bear with me. Tell me if there are any Japanese mistakes or any things that don't fit in with the manga, I wrote this very quickly. Um...yeah I think that's all. Oh, and it's not, repeat NOT a Hitsu x Hina fic. In fact, there may be some romance with another character if I'm feeling generous to Hitsugaya after all the torture.

This story is about what happens when Hitsugaya has to go undercover in a primary school and contains heavy spoilers up to the latest chapters of the manga. You have been warned!

Please review! I update quicker if you do!

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 1**

Hitsugaya sat at his desk, looking disconsolately at the pile of forms and documents in front of him, all chiding him for not dealing with them. He was normally quite good at doing all his work, having got used to the fact that Matsumoto never helped him in the slightest, and spent her time sleeping and fussing about her…Hitsugaya shuddered with distaste…_assets_. In fact, she was lying on the sofa in front of his desk right now, snoring _loudly_. He decided she did it on purpose, just to spite him. He knew other vice-captains who did virtually _all_ the work for their captains, who _worshipped _their superiors. He knew for a fact that "Nanao-chan" secretly enjoyed the intimacy between her and Kyoraku-taichou, and was known to be the real power behind the eighth division. But not Matsumoto. Layabout. And now he could not do his work, and it was all her fault! He wasn't sure how, exactly, but he knew it was. He was temporarily jolted out of his rant at life in general by the sight of a hell butterfly making its erratic journey towards him through a window. He sighed.

"Matsumoto. Hell butterfly at the window."

Matsumoto, who had been in the middle of a most wonderful dream, raised herself reluctantly off her captain's sofa. She wondered for the umpteenth time what had got into Hitsugaya lately. He had been unusually serious ever since his fight with Aizen Sousuke. Actually, she admitted to herself, that wasn't strictly true. She had always known Hitsugaya to be…somewhat lacking a sense of humour. But now he was irritable and was starting to be slightly snappy. It definitely had something to do with Hinamori. He had not spoken to her at all since she had recovered from Aizen's attack. Matsumoto wondered-

"Some time today might be nice, Matsumoto." Hitsugaya cut into her line of thought.

She gave him what she hoped was a withering stare and raised her forefinger to the butterfly. She almost laughed when she found out what the message was; this would certainly cheer the taichou up.

"Taichou, I have orders from Yamamoto-taichou for you to lead a team of shinigami on a reconnaissance mission to the real world. Your team will be: Matsumoto Rangiku, Kuchiki Rukia, Madarame Ikkaku, Ayasegawa Yumichika and Abarai Renji. You are to liaison with all active shinigami on your arrival. You must leave as soon as possible. There's just one thing…"

"NO WAY!"

Hitsugaya fairly crashed into the presence of Yamamoto-taichou a mere five seconds later, having shyunpo-ed all the way.

Yamamoto gave the usually composed young captain an appraising look, before calmly saying, "I thought you might be less than pleased when you found out, Hitsugaya-taichou."

Hitsugaya ignored this. "There is no way that I am going to mix with those snot-nosed imbeciles."

Yamamoto looked slightly taken aback. "I can understand the "imbeciles" part, but I think the "snot-nosed" is a bit harsh. Matsumoto-fukutaichou, for instance, is especially…"

"I meant the primary school children! Why can _they _join that Kurosaki in the secondary school while _I_ have to mingle with eleven year olds? I'd rather let that Sousuke bastard kiss Hina-". Hitsugaya stopped as he realised the magnitude of what he was about to proclaim, and his expression was an awkward mixture of anger and embarrassment.

"I am sorry, Hitsugaya-taichou, but due to your height, your presence in a secondary school would simply not be believable".

"Are you saying that I am," a hint of the psychotic entered Hitsugaya's voice, "_short_?"

"Of course not, merely that you are somewhat…vertically challenged." Hitsugaya had the strong feeling that he was being mocked.

Yamamoto persevered in a slightly sterner tone. "Anyway, that is how it must be, and I must remind you that it was in fact a direct order that should not even have been questioned. Furthermore it is my wish that someone is placed at that school, you need not question why, and the only two shinigami with a high-enough rank are you and Yachiru-fukutaichou. And we all know what could happen if Zaraki-taichou were left to his own devices after last year's fiasco-". Both Hitsugaya and Yamamoto shuddered at the memory. "-So, you will carry out my orders to the letter, do you understand?"

The calmness and detachment in Yamamoto's voice as he asked the question suggested that he might not mind either way, but that Hitsugaya definitely _would _mind, _very much_, if he gave the wrong answer. He walked to the window, and looked out over the whole of Soul Society.

He carefully made his voice devoid of any emotion. He was defeated.

"I understand. I shall leave immediately."

Hitsugaya was _not _pleased with himself. What had gotten into him? He had shouted at Yamamoto-taichou and was therefore lucky to be alive. Worse, he had lost his self-control, and he knew that this was unacceptable. During his meteoric rise through the ranks of the tenth division, he had used this as a weapon. The examples of Kuchiki-taichou and also Aizen Sousuke had shown him the advantages of maturity and maturity. Any time someone had challenged him, saying he was too young and inexperienced, he had used this as his trump card, squashing his anger and his youthful hot-headedness. But now, like during the fights with Aizen and Ichimaru, he had thrown caution to the wind. Like then, he was paying the price. He was just lucky that this time, he had not put someone else's life in danger. Kuchiki Rukia, Matsumoto, Abarai Renji, Madarame Ikkaku and Ayasegawa Yumichika were squirming in front of him, itching to get going on their assignment.

He raised his voice over their murmurs. "That seems to be all you need to know, except for one thing. If anyone, and by anyone I mean someone like Kurosaki Ichigo, asks why I was picked for the job, it was because Matsumoto was desperate to come and I decided I'd have to go to keep an eye on her, ok?"

He looked meaningfully over at Rukia, who looked slightly sulky, but they all dutifully said, "Hai, taichou". He could hear muffled sniggers, and something like "the taichou's just embarrassed" from the assembled party as he turned to the door. He ignored it.

"Right, let's go. This should be fun."


	2. Just don't mess with the hair

**Notes:** Ok, this is where the fun starts, I hope. Yeah, kill me, it's quite short, but I can only write if it's late at night or I'm under serious pressure, so...I know, I'm pathetic.

Thanks to all reviewers! _Six _reviews in_ two_ days! It's _really_ encouraging!

Also, I dedicate this fic to Shostakovich's Piano Concerto no. 2's third movement, since I cannot write this particular fic without listening to it. Freakish, I know, but I played it with my orchestra and it really reminds me of Hitsugaya and gives inspiration. Somehow...

**Chapter 2**

This was definitely _not_ what Hitsugaya, child prodigy and captain of the tenth division of the Gotei 13, had expected. He was currently standing in the deputy head of Karakura Primary School's office. _Holding _Matsumoto's _hand_. In _public_. He was rapidly running out of ideas for escape. Worst of all, his hair was_ flat_.

**An hour earlier**

Hitsugaya stood uncomfortably in his new uniform as Matsumoto judged the general effect.

"Awww! Hitsugaya-taichou, you look simply adorable! Oh, my little taichou's finally going to school," Matsumoto cooed as he squirmed. "Wait a minute, there's just a few things…"

Hitsugaya was confused. He'd spent almost an hour making sure that his black trousers hung off his hips in exactly the right way, that his tie was carelessly loose around his neck, that his shirt was hanging loose. As a final touch, he'd undone the top button of his shirt. He hadn't the faintest idea why he had done these things, only that they needed to be done in order to be ultra-cool. He supposed it was the influence of his gigai or something. Unconsciously, he retreated slightly from Matsumoto, but it was too late.

She bent forward and ruthlessly pulled his trousers up a few inches, tucked his shirt in, did up his top button and did up his tie so tightly that he could actually feel it constricting the access of blood to his brain. This was so unexpected and done so quickly, that he was unable to protest until she had finished.

"Matsumoto! What the hell do you think you're doing? I can hardly breathe!"

"Well, it's your first day of school and _I'm _not going to have people saying that I don't take care of my captain. Anyway, now you're perfect," Matsumoto said indignantly. Great, thought Hitsugaya. Matsumoto had morphed into a second mother. "Alright, I think we're okay to go, taichou. Since I'm to be your mother, I suppose I'll be able to use a more familiar name than "taichou"?" Hitsugaya merely answered with a curt nod.

When Matsumoto had finally coaxed him out of the bathroom, Hitsugaya was faced with a whole new chorus of "awww"s from the rest of his team at his pristine condition, a stark contrast to his normally semi-smart shinigami uniform and his uncouthness in pre-shinigami days.

Matsumoto suddenly cocked her head to the side with a frown. "There's still something wrong…something…something…"

There was a murmur of agreement from Rukia, who stopped when she saw Hitsugaya's face.

"Ah! I know. It's his hair!" pronounced Matsumoto gleefully.

Hitsugaya turned white. _Nothing_ could be wrong with the hair. Worried all the same, he turned to the mirror in the corner. He was relieved to see that it still had its normal spiky-ness. In fact, he was so concerned that he completely missed the secret signal that passed between the other shinigami. He turned around…

And they jumped him. He screamed and fought hard. But a shinigami can only do so much when in a gigai, when covered by five other high-ranking shinigami, and when they are in a room owned by someone probably stronger and definitely quicker to anger than they are. He knew Ichigo's revenge would be swift if he destroyed the room, especially since they technically didn't have his permission. Hitsugaya didn't really have a chance.

So, he ended up sitting on the floor in an undignified fashion while Renji and Ikkaku restrained each arm, Yumichika sat on his legs, and Rukia and Matsumoto fussed with his hair.

"Who knew the taichou spends what must be hours gelling his hair into spikes?" Matsumoto giggled rather than said to Rukia, causing Hitsugaya to strain even harder against his captors. It wasn't his fault, how else could he get it right? He shuddered to remember the days when Hinamori had visited him on her days off at the academy. His hair had been _awful_.

"Well, we're just going to have to do this the hard way," continued Matsumoto, as she advanced on Hitsugaya with a comb found in Ichigo's drawer and proceeded to drag it through Hitsugaya's hair. Despite his frequent demands that she let him go, Matsumoto carried on. By the time his hair was slicked-back on both sides so that not one hair was out of place, Hitsugaya had demoted Matsumoto several times over. But she didn't care. Her taichou was, finally, spotless.

And so Hitsugaya was standing, gloomy and defeated in the deputy head's office. Matsumoto had gotten through the initial interview somehow, though Hitsugaya regretted having tested her so much on his fake details so that she could be believable as his mother. As soon as she had sat down she had got so carried away that she reeled off a list of his name, date of birth, star sign, member of the Chinese zodiac etc. until he had "accidentally" stepped on her foot.

The rather intimidating deputy head began shuffling her papers to signal that they should leave. Hitsugaya, Matsumoto and another new boy with anxious mother left the office quickly. Hitsugaya, first to reach the door, partly vented his anger by opening the door with more force than strictly necessary. It crashed open, but was immediately caught by an outstretched hand that halted its destructive trajectory.

The owner of the hand was a tall woman with chocolate-brown hair and clad in a sensible black jacket and skirt. Her hair was scraped back into a tight bun, and a slim pair of glasses were balanced on her nose. In fact, apart from the colour of her hair, she looked for all the world like Ise-fukutaichou. She was smiling, but in a way that showed teeth that suggested they could chew broken bottles by the light of the full moon. Hitsugaya sensed that this was not a good sign.

**End notes:**

Sorry, but updates may be slow soon because of GCSEs. I'm also not in the best of moods for writing humour, due to stupid arguments at school. Anyway, enough of the stupid excuses.

**Plagiarised quotes:**

chew broken bottles by the light of the full moon"- the wonderful PG Wodehouse.

Reviews may speed me up, by the way...Oh, and tell me if my punctuation/grammar is off.


	3. Of Nuclear Fission and Pi

**Notes:** Back again! Wow, thanks to all who reviewed, I am undeserving! Sorry, I must again warn that updates may be few and far between cos I now have GCSEs. Sorry it's so short, I haven't got much time! Thanks to **densetsu no onigiri **for pointing out maths errors.

Oh and I don't own Bleach, obviously. Though I may soon own it if my plan to marry Tite Kubo comes into fruition. Mua ha ha ha ha! A 15 years' age gap doesn't matter!

**Chapter 3**

"One minute, Deputy Head," she said briskly, moving into the room as Hitsugaya backed away. "There's a slight problem. There's only space for one more child in the upper class for eleven-year-olds. One of these boys will have to stay in my remedial class. I suggest you let me talk to both boys and decide which should be allowed to progress…more slowly."

The obviously over-worked deputy head, no match for her inferior, merely nodded distractedly and left her own office very quickly indeed. Matsumoto and Hitsugaya exchanged glances. It was perfectly clear who really ran this school. The woman moved briskly- Hitsugaya guessed that this was a recurring trait of hers- to the desk and sat down in the comfy chair as if she was standing, just with her knees bent ninety degrees. Brutally efficient.

She gave both mothers (well, the mother and Matsumoto) a surprised stare that clearly said, "Oh? You're still here?" They both quickly picked up this thinly disguised hint, and began to leave, despite Hitsugaya's pleading look at his vice-captain. He had never before felt so desperate to keep her with him.

"Well, thank you very much. I'm sure my little Shiro-chan will feel right at home here," Matsumoto said, beaming.

All charitable feelings towards Matsumoto vanished. She wouldn't have a smile on her face when she found out he was going to move her to the fourth division…to be an assistant…Hanatarou's assistant…looking after other shinigami…the ones with unusual and interesting skin diseases. Yeah, that'd teach her.

"Matsu", Hitsugaya felt Matsumoto sharply squeeze his hand. He didn't miss a beat. "I mean, mum, don't call me that!"

The woman raised an eyebrow at Hitsugaya and his adjutant, who noticed, and produced the kind of desperate fake smiles that usually adorn people when they notice that the bucket of manure is hanging above the fan, and looks as though it may tip over very soon.

Matsumoto gave Hitsugaya hasty peck on the cheek that Hitsugaya vowed would later cost her dearly and left. That was it. His last connection with Soul Society, and he was adrift in the real world without a map, or even a "How To" guide.

Hitsugaya was forced to look back at the woman. It wasn't that she had coughed to attract his attention; she had no need for such unsubtleties. Her mere pointed silence was louder than any other sound he had ever heard.

"Right, this needn't take long," she said, her head turning imperceptibly to the other boy, whose name was Tsubasa Nakamura, and who didn't exactly look gifted in the brain department. " What's two times five?"

Predictably, it took around a minute and a lot of use of his fingers for the boy to finally stutter, "um…t-ten?" Hitsugaya allowed a flicker of a smile to play about his lips, an unusual occurrence. He hadn't thought it was going to be _this_ easy.

"Very good," the teacher, who, Hitsugaya noticed, had still not mentioned her name, said shortly. She turned. "What is the square root of 267, to the nearest three significant figures?"

"What?" spluttered Hitsugaya, "That's impossible, I…" The eyebrow was raised; the stare was cool; Hitsugaya knew that he couldn't finish the sentence. He dug though countless memories of maths lessons. Ah… "That would be 16.3 to three significant figures," he said proudly.

"Hmmmm." The teacher tapped her pen on the desk twice, thoughtfully. "A little slow…aren't we?" Those two words came out clipped and damning.

…And so it went on…

Tsubasa was consistently asked easy questions that Hitsugaya could have done in his sleep (and still he needed occasional hints from the shameless teacher), while Hitsugaya himself was asked to name pi to ten decimal places, describe the stages involved in nuclear fission and to spell onomatopoeia without writing it down. Of course, he answered everything correctly after a few minutes, but it did no use. He realised the battle was lost when she caught the door, possibly before he had woken up that morning.

When she finally decided that the surgical torture that Hitsugaya had undergone was enough for the moment, the teacher shuffled some papers, then looked at the two boys. "Well I think it may be best if Tsubasa-chan goes to the higher class. It's at the end of the corridor to your left, dear."

Tsubasa showed he had at least some sense by leaving the room quickly and gratefully.

"Matsumoto-chan, follow me".

Hitsugaya looked around in confusion.

The teacher sighed. "Matsumoto Toushiro, please pay attention". She walked from the room and Hitsugaya followed, inwardly cursing at his mistake.

"Oh, and by the way," she said over her shoulder, "I am Yamada-sensei."

Weird, Hitsugaya thought. I never thought she'd have a really common surname like that. He was also unnerved by her use of "Matsumoto-chan", which, term of endearment or not, was said in such a way that he could tell that in fact, he and Yamada-sensei were not going to get on well.

End of Chapter three

Questions:

Why is Yamada-sensei picking on poor Shiro-chan? How will Hitsugaya cope in his class? How will he manage to get out of lessons to kill Hollows? What's happening with him and Hinamori?


	4. Getting to Know You

**Notes from author**: I am soo sorry this is so late and so short. There are no excuses, and I really do not deserve the 36 reviews I now have (Thanks to all who review, by the way. I really appreciate it). Again, I plead exams. Thanks again to **densetsu no onigiri **for help on the Japanese and generally not killing me. This chapter is quite raw, I haven't really proof-read, but I thought you guys would want it sooner rather than later, so here it is.

**On Hinamori**: Readers are reminded that this is NOT a HitsuHina fanfic. I won't rant, but I have to say that it is a really weird pairing. 1) I think their relationship is more sister/brother. 2) She's just too obsessed with Aizen-taichou, as shown in recent manga chapters. She's just deluded.

Now that's cleared up, on with the show….Oh, it will all start to make sense soon, I promise.

**Chapter 4**

Hitsugaya glumly followed Yamada-sensei into the classroom, as scores of eleven year olds streamed in from the other door. He felt exactly like he had done so many years ago (or, at least what felt like many years ago), when he had been constantly and rapidly moved up through the classes of shinigami. He was quickly working with those almost double his age and height, leaving all briefly made friends behind him. By the time he had risen through the ranks to become jyuubandai-taichou of the Gotei 13, the only person he actually knew even slightly was Hinamori. _Hinamori_. He mentally kicked himself. Here he was, going into unknown territory, and he was moping about Hinamori. He really was pathetic sometimes.

It was in these thoughts, then, that Hitsugaya entered a room so closely associated with the ghosts of his past and stood at the front, waiting for the ritual introduction and humiliation that he knew always came with being "The New Boy". By this time the rest of the class were all sitting in their places and watching him expectantly. Yamada-sensei swept across the classroom to a small desk in the corner and sat on the corner of it in a way that would have looked casual if it had been any other person doing it.

Her voice, while not loud, covered the background noise of eleven-year-olds with ease. "Right, this is Matsumoto Toushiro who will be joining us for this term. He has been home-schooled before now, but I am sure that none of you will tease him because his parents obviously thought he was too good to be educated with the rest of us mortals or because of his pretentious accent that has come from years of wealth and privilege."

_That's it_, Hitsugaya thought. _I'm dead_. Any hope that he might be mercifully left alone by the other members of his class was gone. Already, he could hear the telltale sound of muffled giggling surrounding him.

"Please sit in the corner and complete a written test so that I can have a good idea what stage you're at." She pointed at the farthest corner of the room, in which sat a solitary desk that faced the wall.

Hitsugaya took the test from her hands and strutted confidently to his desk. He figured he might as well go down with his colours flying.

Once the class had settled done somewhat, and Yamada-sensei was beginning to teach something- _probably the alphabet_, Hitsugaya thought uncharitably- Hitsugaya sensed it was safe to have a look around the room. The first things that struck him were the pictures that adorned every vertical surface in the room. Hitsugaya remembered Kuchiki Rukia's attempts at art that had become famous in Soul Society and that made even effeminate people like Kyouraku Shunsui and Ayasegawa Yumichika want to get sick in a bucket. Hitsugaya felt that even Rukia would have had something to say about these pictures.

Hitsugaya turned his attention to the students who had, for want of a better word, _painted_ the pictures. They looked like a dim lot to him. He could see one table of children with a pot of glue being passed around and sniffed surreptitiously every time Yamada-sensei was facing the board. Hitsugaya imagined with disgust that these were probably the ones who would become the equivalent of the idiots in the Shinigami Academy who spent every minute trying to get hold of some sake. They had become his sworn enemies at school.

"Matsumoto-chan! I would prefer you to get on with the test!"

_How does she do it_, thought Hitsugaya. _I was making sure I was being inconspicuous._ He sighed and returned to his paper, the stares of the other students fixed on his desk.

Just as Hitsugaya was finishing the test, which hadn't actually been as hard as he'd expected, he felt the inside pocket of his blazer vibrating. _Damn_, he thought._ A Hollow._

With a feeling of dread, he put up his hand. This wasn't going to be easy.

"Yes, Matsumoto-chan?"

"Um, Yamada-sensei, can I go to the toilet please?"

"Of course. Don't take too long."

"But…" Hitsugaya stopped as he realised she'd agreed. He'd expected to have to beg for her to let him go. This was definitely _weird._

He left the classroom as quickly as he could before Yamada-sensei could change her mind. He ran to the toilets, left his gigai there with strict orders not to do anything stupid, and was out in the playground as a shinigami by the time the Hollow appeared. It was just over the fence, so he shyunpo-ed across the playground and jumped it. The Hollow was embarrassingly amateurish, and it was all over in the time it took for Hitsugaya to take another jump and slice its mask in two.

He landed easily on two feet, having hardly raised his pulse, as Matsumoto came walking towards him.

"Matsumoto," he chastised her. " You left your taichou on his own to defeat a Hollow because you were too lazy to break into a run. You were only in the next building at the High school! You're already in enough trouble for leaving me with that psycho teacher."

"I'm very sorry, Hitsugaya-taichou. Actually, we haven't got to the High school yet. Yumichika's making even more of a fuss about the school uniform than you did. We're probably going to start there at lunch.

"Anyway," she said with a smile on her face, "I'm sure the great Hitsugaya Toushiro, jyuubandai-taichou of the Gotei 13, would have no problem with any Hollows, especially not that tiny one".

Hitsugaya thought she was mocking him, but he couldn't prove it. "That Yumichika! I can't believe Yamamoto-taichou allowed that clown and his friend come with us. And I'm not arrogant to let your reasoning get you out of trouble. You know that an Arrancar could appear at any minute. Anyway, I think I'll join you guys at lunchtime. I don't like being kept in that primary school. Plus, I don't trust you not to mess it up, not as far as I could kick you".

"Which is very far, taichou," gushed Matsumoto, in an attempt to save her situation.

"Yeah, whatever," Hitsugaya murmured as he started to walk back, slowly. He didn't relish getting back to lessons.


End file.
